Old Goat

"If you didn't pinch every penny until it screamed this would be a lot easier."

"I got where I am today by being careful with my money."

"Old and grouchy?"

Illustrator Wanted

I've come to feel that the world of political cartoons has been sorely lacking these days. In the days of Teapot Dome it was the political cartoonists that showed the people what was really going on. It is time to bring those cartoons back, or at least the style. If I could draw I would do it myself. I'll settle for collaborating with an artist. Who among you can draw me a picture of God and Tom Delay getting booked in the Fort Bend County Jail with God saying to Delay, "If I can't get out of it then neither can you." And one of the deputies leaning over God's fingerprints and saying, "Those whorls are perfect!"

Creeping Incompetence

John Pennington, the head of the Region 10 FEMA office (that's Washington, Oregon, Idaho and Alaska) got his degree from an online corespondence college that was not accredited at the time and which the federal government called a "degree mill." This guy is not qualified for his job, which gives him emergency oversight of an area prone to notoriously unpredictable disasters. Floods and fires give very little warning, earthquakes give none.
I think the time has come, indeed is long overdue, for us to go through the Bush appointees and give their resumees and credentials some basic scrutiny.

New Orleans

Some thoughts:

Blame God for the hurricane, blame Bush for the flood.

We've been trying to rebuild Iraq for two years now, what makes anyone think this administration can rebuild New Orleans?

The government is sending combat troops to keep the peace in New Orleans. How long will it be before a bunch of soldiers panic and fire into the mob? How long will it be before martial law is declared? How long will it be before unrest spreads to the entire country? Is this the tipping point?

Donald Rumsfeld is going on Letterman next week and I wonder if he is going to say that it was just the same picture of the same corpse over and over again.

I was just wondering...

George, have you talked to Cindy yet?

Also, if Dick Cheney walked into a bar and ordered a drink, how much would you charge him?

What Is Going On Here?

When are these religious zealots going to accept that just because accepted science contradicts one small part of their doctrine it doesn't invalidate their entire religion. Personally I have no problem with the idea that life on Earth, in fact the universe itself, could all be a series of complex accidents. I am not made insecure by the idea that the world is much more complex than I can ever imagine, the universe is much bigger than I can conceive and all of it as old as time or older. I am not frightened by the mysteries of the universe, in fact I find them fascinating. I am not afraid of the complexity of life, indeed I think it is beautiful.
Sadly there are people in this country who are frightened by the unknown, who cling to their religion like a life preserver and deny there is anything else in the universe. To these people it is all too big and frightening so they think it must be magic. Thus they deny their children an fact based education and hamstring their potential.

Rumor And Confabulation

I heard on the radio the other day that Fox News was reporting on an Al Qaeda plot to poison the illegal drugs that are smuggled into this country every day. Now, we all know that Fox News has tenuous relationship with accuracy and truth in reporting though I think they might have gotten the gist of the story right. Someone is planning on poisoning some drugs but it is not Al Qaeda. I think the US government is planning on poisoning the prescription drugs coming in from Canada, not to cause terror but to cut down on the number of seniors who are collecting Social Security.
It's the new Bush plan to save Social Security: reduce the number of beneficiaries.

Worse Than Watergate

The CIA started the investigation into the leak of Valerie Plame's identity because the fact that she was a covert operative was classified information. When Joe Wilson refuted the Nigerian Uranium claim the administration leaked than classified information to the press for political revenge against him and as a warning to others. He is not the first to suffer the wrath of the administration, Richard Clarke and Paul O'Neill suffered similarly.

If the administration is collecting classified information for the purpose of furthering a political agenda they are guilty of espionage.
Can a president be tried for espionage? I'd sure like to find out.

This Is A Call

I am tired of solutions for global hunger, AIDS, climate change and other problems being addressed by people whose primacy concerns are not global hunger, AIDS or climate change.

I am tired of peace being contingent on a good profit margin.

Who among you is with me?

The Parallels Are Erie

"If he wins in November, he will finally be free to do whatever he wants ... or maybe 'wants' is too strong a word for right now. It conjures up images of Papa Doc, Batista, Somoza; jails full of bewildered 'political prisoners' and the constant cold-sweat fear of jackboots suddenly kicking your door off its hinges at four a.m."

Recognize this quote? It's Hunter S. Thompson. Know who he was talking about?

Administration and the Drug War

At the end of _Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas_ Hunter S. Thompson mentions that it was getting hard to find good LSD. Where once you could practically get it on any street corner now only a few would provide it and only for certain buyers. He said that in 1971, the era of Nixon, downers were in and halucinogens were out.
In the 80's the drug was cocaine, in the nineties heroin and ecstasy. Did these drugs reflect on their administrations? Perhaps. I'd have to do more reading to find out.
One thing I do know is how true that association rings today. When used over long periods of time meth causes violent paranoia. It's manunfacture often requires theft of basic necessities (guard rails) to raise money for the basic components, or simply theft of the basic components. Manufacture also results in toxic fumes and dangerous chemical waste.
Sounds like the Bush administration to me.

Disturbance At The SRT

Dear Juanita,
I've been told by people who don't know much of anything that I'm not a very good writer. They said my writing was incomprehensible and murderously boring by turns. So I've decided to hang it up for a bit and help out my friend Dave with his newsblog/investigative journalism/time filler for his boring government job.
Ok, so actually I got fired from my old job writing copy for corporate newsletters. We couldn't agree on style. I wanted Woodward and Bernstein, they wanted Ganan/Guckert. But that's corporate life, isn't it. To be honest I might have been willing to do gay porn but I wasn't willing to ask the easy questions they wanted.
Anyway, I was telling you about this job I did for Dave. He needed a virginity pledge. No, he hasn't decided to mend his dirty dirty ways. Neither have I for that matter. The Silver Ring Thing came to town and he needed someone to go and take a virginity pledge with him so he could write a story on it.
Now, normally I would have told him to bugger off and leave me alone but, having just been fired I found myself with some time on my hands. Really, I can only watch reruns of Murphy Brown so much, and on a Friday night... So I went, for a look at the other side as much as to kill time.
Well I got a look all right. And let me tell you, there were a couple of other sides there that night. Dave and I sat near the back and when the thing got started we both realized what we were in for. Personally I was appalled at the whole show, the fact that government money was being spent to pass out bibles and bad information to the youth of this country made me pretty damn angry. Dave was just trying to fit in, though he did have to stop himself from laughing at a couple of spots. I asked him later what he thought was so funny and he said it was the idea of a youth pastor telling a bunch of horny teenagers that sex is great. Like they really needed him to give them that information.
About midway through the show (and it was a show, music, lights, video and all) Dave and I noticed a slight disturbance about three rows in front of us and a bit to the left. I honestly don't know what they were thinking but a young couple had started kissing and not in a way that falls under the sub-heading Acceptable Public Displays Of Affection. At first only the people nearby noticed but as the girl climbed on top of the guy the Jesus Freak up on stage realized that he was losing his audience. I understand that calling him the Jesus Freak could be offensive, but since every fourth word out of his mouth was "Jesus " I feel it is an accurate description. Ironically enough when the girl on the other side of Dave got hit in the face with a bra the couple causing the disruption were saying "Jesus" just about as often as the guy on stage.
It took some time but eventually a handful of the Silver Ring Thing crew waded into the audience and removed the enthusiastic young couple. By this time Dave and I were laughing uncontrollably, the whole scene being made even more hilarious by the fact that the young couples in the immediate vicinity were starting to look distinctly amorous as well.
Eventually the event staff managed to get everyone focused back on the stage and the message of Jesus. Unfortunately Dave and I were still laughing uncontrollably and they asked us, very politely, to leave. We did, after all, there was no way to improve on that show. I'm only sorry we didn't bring a camera.
So that was my Friday night, how was yours?
-Liz

The Physics Of Flushing The Koran

In an FBI memo released today it turns out that guards at Guantanamo actually were flushing the Koran down the toilet. Personally, I wonder how that worked out for them. I would think that flushing a holy book, even page by page, would cause a major clog and flooding. Clearly it would come back to haunt them but the biggest question is: how would the Koran stand up against other holy books in a plumbing test? I propose an experiment in which we attempt to find out which holy book is the hardest on plumbing. After that one is answered we can move on to popular fiction and books of political commentary. I am willing to put money on any book by Anne Coulter causing the foundation to crack.
I also predict that Newsweek will print a retraction of the retraction the White House demanded on the story when it blamed the magazine for rioting in Afghanistan. As it turns out, the administration is once again to blame. I can only hope that this will lead to the media re-growing its spine and standing up to the government and the corporations.
But then, I once hoped that the Monkeys would get back together and release another album.

Dilemma

I bought a pile of clothes yesterday with some of my birthday money. The problem with shopping at Old Navy is that the clothes fit me and the colors are nice. Each time I go in there I get closer to asking the sales people what percentage of their reasonably priced clothes goes to pay the eight year old Southeast Asian boy who worked ten hours a day, seven days a week on starvation rations to make these clothes.
And yet I wear this stuff anyway. Sometimes I disgust myself. The rest of the time the system disgusts me.

By the way, here is my new cousin Bridget, no I don't know why she is wearing a colander on her head.

 

Friendly Sky, Hostile Ground

Just a quick note for now and to let you know I found a new job and am working on some plotlines.
Also, some advice to the the United Airlines executives. You'd better get up in the air and stay there because there are a lot of pissed off pensioners waiting for you down here on the ground.

Wasting Away In Unemployment

I really am starting to wonder at what point I will finally break these chains of unmeployment. Maybe someone could answer one question for me: When applying for a job, where is it appropriate for a hint of desperation to creep in? Certainly not the cover letter, but what about in the resume? Or maybe in the body of the email these are attached to? Perhaps the signiture? Or here? I think here is a good place. If the company were to follow the link from the email, or from the line in my resume they would find this and realize I will do just about anything for a job right now. Bear in mind it is two a.m. and I am very, very desperate for a job.

Wanna hear a joke?
Knock knock.
Whose there?
Hire me dammit!

Hail To The Chief

Things have been a little hectic lately. No doubt you know by now that I was elected President and I have been spending my time with my transition team, putting the finishing touches on my policies for the coming years and finalizing my appointments. Since my administration will be a bastion of inclusiveness and free thinking I am more than willing to appoint just about anyone to any post not currently occupied. If you can give me a good reason (more than one would be even better) then I'll probably give you the cabinet seat or ambassadorship you want.
Here is a list of spots currently occupied:
Chief of Staff: Lisa
Secretary of the Treasury: Leeanna
Secretary of State: Cody
Secretary of the Interrior: Nick (Secretary Nickster)
Secretary of Agriculture: Louis
Secretary of Homeland Security: Jacques
Secretary of Offense: Ted
Secretary of Education: Mom
Secretary of Energy: Josh K.
Comissioner of Spirit: Antonio
**Secretary of Defense: Nate** (Updated!)
Ambasador to the People's Republic of Lower Asscracklyvania: Julio
Ambasador to Cuba: Aaron

It should be noted that the Department of Offense is a completly new department, I have not in fact renamed the Department of Defense I just haven't found anyone who deserves to be in change of that rat's nest. The Department of Offense is in charge of a very specific kind of negative publicity campaign. The secretary of Offense is the person I send to other countries with the sole purpose of making them angry enough that they attack us first.
If you feel the pressing need for a new department in our federal government then let me know. Again it would be good to have more than one reason.