Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Disturbance At The SRT

Dear Juanita,
I've been told by people who don't know much of anything that I'm not a very good writer. They said my writing was incomprehensible and murderously boring by turns. So I've decided to hang it up for a bit and help out my friend Dave with his newsblog/investigative journalism/time filler for his boring government job.
Ok, so actually I got fired from my old job writing copy for corporate newsletters. We couldn't agree on style. I wanted Woodward and Bernstein, they wanted Ganan/Guckert. But that's corporate life, isn't it. To be honest I might have been willing to do gay porn but I wasn't willing to ask the easy questions they wanted.
Anyway, I was telling you about this job I did for Dave. He needed a virginity pledge. No, he hasn't decided to mend his dirty dirty ways. Neither have I for that matter. The Silver Ring Thing came to town and he needed someone to go and take a virginity pledge with him so he could write a story on it.
Now, normally I would have told him to bugger off and leave me alone but, having just been fired I found myself with some time on my hands. Really, I can only watch reruns of Murphy Brown so much, and on a Friday night... So I went, for a look at the other side as much as to kill time.
Well I got a look all right. And let me tell you, there were a couple of other sides there that night. Dave and I sat near the back and when the thing got started we both realized what we were in for. Personally I was appalled at the whole show, the fact that government money was being spent to pass out bibles and bad information to the youth of this country made me pretty damn angry. Dave was just trying to fit in, though he did have to stop himself from laughing at a couple of spots. I asked him later what he thought was so funny and he said it was the idea of a youth pastor telling a bunch of horny teenagers that sex is great. Like they really needed him to give them that information.
About midway through the show (and it was a show, music, lights, video and all) Dave and I noticed a slight disturbance about three rows in front of us and a bit to the left. I honestly don't know what they were thinking but a young couple had started kissing and not in a way that falls under the sub-heading Acceptable Public Displays Of Affection. At first only the people nearby noticed but as the girl climbed on top of the guy the Jesus Freak up on stage realized that he was losing his audience. I understand that calling him the Jesus Freak could be offensive, but since every fourth word out of his mouth was "Jesus " I feel it is an accurate description. Ironically enough when the girl on the other side of Dave got hit in the face with a bra the couple causing the disruption were saying "Jesus" just about as often as the guy on stage.
It took some time but eventually a handful of the Silver Ring Thing crew waded into the audience and removed the enthusiastic young couple. By this time Dave and I were laughing uncontrollably, the whole scene being made even more hilarious by the fact that the young couples in the immediate vicinity were starting to look distinctly amorous as well.
Eventually the event staff managed to get everyone focused back on the stage and the message of Jesus. Unfortunately Dave and I were still laughing uncontrollably and they asked us, very politely, to leave. We did, after all, there was no way to improve on that show. I'm only sorry we didn't bring a camera.
So that was my Friday night, how was yours?

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

The Physics Of Flushing The Koran

In an FBI memo released today it turns out that guards at Guantanamo actually were flushing the Koran down the toilet. Personally, I wonder how that worked out for them. I would think that flushing a holy book, even page by page, would cause a major clog and flooding. Clearly it would come back to haunt them but the biggest question is: how would the Koran stand up against other holy books in a plumbing test? I propose an experiment in which we attempt to find out which holy book is the hardest on plumbing. After that one is answered we can move on to popular fiction and books of political commentary. I am willing to put money on any book by Anne Coulter causing the foundation to crack.
I also predict that Newsweek will print a retraction of the retraction the White House demanded on the story when it blamed the magazine for rioting in Afghanistan. As it turns out, the administration is once again to blame. I can only hope that this will lead to the media re-growing its spine and standing up to the government and the corporations.
But then, I once hoped that the Monkeys would get back together and release another album.

Sunday, May 22, 2005


I bought a pile of clothes yesterday with some of my birthday money. The problem with shopping at Old Navy is that the clothes fit me and the colors are nice. Each time I go in there I get closer to asking the sales people what percentage of their reasonably priced clothes goes to pay the eight year old Southeast Asian boy who worked ten hours a day, seven days a week on starvation rations to make these clothes.
And yet I wear this stuff anyway. Sometimes I disgust myself. The rest of the time the system disgusts me.

By the way, here is my new cousin Bridget, no I don't know why she is wearing a colander on her head.

 Posted by Hello

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Friendly Sky, Hostile Ground

Just a quick note for now and to let you know I found a new job and am working on some plotlines.
Also, some advice to the the United Airlines executives. You'd better get up in the air and stay there because there are a lot of pissed off pensioners waiting for you down here on the ground.